I go out to escape being in.

Skate off down the road alone to do various things. I’ve got all those things to do and they’re important. Buying ingredients for muesli (I wonder who’ll be in the Health Food Shop today?), sending something off at the post office, seeing the sights of the town, looking at all the people, skating down the pier on the smooth surface, feeling the temperature of the air, looking through the outside book store on the Moor, seeing how things progress like the destruction of the old ladies toilets in Kimberley Gardens, thinking about things. Anything but the boring drugery of work and what is my viewpoint of the world for far too much of my time. This seat, looking out. It’s nice, but so frustrating. I wake up and savour the light and sky, so much opportunity. I see clouds skudding past and the sky change from grey to icy powdery blue. Birds flying around. The sky tells a lot about the day outside. And here I am inside, because I need to do work for my learning team on monday because ahem that’s what I’m here to do, work. I guess I could work. I need to focus on what I’m good at. I have ideas that might look good but I can’t pull them off because I’m not an accomplished illustrator with a definitive style. This makes me sad and frustrated when I look at the godawful things I’ve produced and then I have to escape to the outside, to escape the inside where all these thoughts and banality rein supreme.

I looked through the books at the outside book store and there was about six that I would like. Two didn’t have the greatest covers so I didn’t get them. Another would be real interesting to read but it was pretty dense and while it would be useful for my work and mindset I just don’t have time to read it because by the time I’ve read it, I would have done nothing else and not completed the work that it’s for. There’s no time to do the things I love because I’ve got other things to do which I don’t love and they press down on me with their time constraints and people judging what I do and the fact that I suppose I should try since I’m paying all this money I mean  oh hell. I’d quite happily buy all of those books and read them and go to that coffee shop and skate around and do those important things forever but I can’t. I suppose a balance must be struck. I guess if I tried, you know, applied myself and wasn’t such a lazy sod then I could get loads done, feel great and everything and live nearer to my potential. Instead I mope and draw some crappy ideas and get excited about things that have nothing to do with my course which is oh so important and weighty and type my uhm thoughts onto this blog which makes me think I sound like a whingy kid who wants attention but really it’s kinda theraputic to write them out. Then I don’t know maybe someone will read them and say something about it. I don’t know. I mean I come out all smiles when I see people. I saw myself in the reflection of a shop just now and laughed because I imagined myself in another twenty years looking back and here I am now with all the potential in the world. Haha. I saw a woman watching her tiny dog jumping and sniffing at a stray yellow balloon earlier. But I don’t know. I don’t know. Aw hell. I’m going to listen to beethoven again, bye.