The Prime Minister says adults who want to watch porn online will have to ‘discuss’ it with their partner after mandatory filters are imposed by internet providers
Imagine a crowd of people looking at a beautiful sunset (complete with tits and dicks and rampant female objectification shining from its fiery heart.) Some people feel that the glare might hurt their poor children’s eyes. What would be the best way to shield them? A certain portion of the crowd believe it is their job to decide the best course of action, so without much real consultation of the rest of the crowd they go ahead and erect a huge barrier in front of that part of the sky, completely obscuring the sun so that nobody can see it.
"There, we’re all safe now," they happily proclaim.
The parents rejoice as there is no risk their darling children will have their infantile retinas branded by evil images the might have encountered whilst gazing at the sky. The people with tight underpants are satisfied, but the rest of the crowd do a double take.
"What is this big barrier doing? Where did that come from? Ah shit, it’s the tight underpants brigade! I didn’t ask for that to be put there! Did you?” They look around in confusion. “What the fuck, man! I mean I don’t watch the sunset every night but occasionally its ah… nice. You know?”
But now nobody can see the sunset. A few really want to see it so ask permission and a peephole is opened for them. Their name is noted down and they can once again furiously masturbate I mean gaze with placid awe at the natural beauty of the setting sun.
The people with tight underpants look around at the crowd and see how well this barrier has worked. Nobody says much, although there is a faint grumble-haze floating around and a couple of people shouting.
"We got away with it! Hah!" they think. They sit and wonder… "where else can we put these barriers up? Perhaps in time we could create, in place of this open vista, some kind of… corridor. Hmm…"
But allow me to rewind. Let us return to that initial sunset. A parent writhes in agony each night knowing little jimminybillybob might, at that exact moment, be naively searching for a pizza delivery service for tomorrow’s birthday party and accidentally follow a trail of links which ends up with a lot more than pizza being delivered, if you know what I mean. At this point I wink and draw attention to the previous sentence in which I reference the porn cliché of fast-food delivery drivers getting lucky. I mean sex. Fucking. Porn. Tits and dicks. Burned retinas. Ruined lives.
The worried parent, when walking outside, should be aware of the dangers of the sun. It’s there, but if you don’t like it then don’t look. If they don’t want their child to stumble on it because they believe it will be bad for them, the sensible, adult, intelligent and correct parental response is not to run to the people with tight underpants or nod when they suggest ludicrous barriers, but to take their parental duties seriously, place one loving hand on their childs back and another to the side of their eyes and gently guide them away from the things that they think might harm them, protecting them until they feel they’re mature enough to handle such things.
Hell, if they want to sign up for a special set of goggles for the kid so only they will be protected from the evil sunshine then they can go right ahead. Take control of your life and the impact it has on those around you. If a parent feels strongly enough about shielding their child from perceived harm then they should do something about it on an individual level, leaving the rest of the population free to decide what they and their loved ones can view. Personal and intentional obscuration, not enforced censorship. Goggles, not blackouts.